While they were gone I went to the house and the girlfriend had packed up a ton of my Moms things. This is a different time of your life, a different love. who knows), but it gives me a bad feeling. This has been going on for almost 2 yrs. You may assume you bring all this joy to the mans life, and you think of your own needs in justifying the relationship, but as a woman, I feel that the disrespect to my mothers memory and to family, even if I seem to be the only one devastated, angry and in grieving now for the loss of my dad due to the girlfriend, is beyond anything I would bring to the children of that family if I were thinking of swooping up a widower 4 months after the death of a spouse. Its like its no longer convient for him to do that. i feel as though he hasnt repected me at all as hes skipped most of the important things in my life to constantly go visit her. Im 23 years old and an only child. If my husband were to do the same, the thought of it makes me very sad. When I was packing my things she cried all day & refused to help us pack. Dad had a couple girlfriends.that we liked. For me I didnt like the idea of this woman but was prepared to accept her into my life. I am sure this woman was nervous, and really, she was nice enough. It looked as though he was sleeping, but closer inspection showed white foam dripping from his blue lips. My dad has changed with the way he is with me too. I even told my mom not to give me anything, because I knew my dad would be awful. Knowing that makes it. I have told him I understand he wants this relationship and I accept that and actually understand it.but at the same time, I am not ready (nor can I promise I ever will be) to particiate in a relationship with her. We had offered to have my Dad live with us and had been planning renovations and adjustments to our home. I choose instead to honour my moms memory because she was a loving and gentle woman who he adored and loved. I never expected my Dad to be alone after my Mom passed, but I sure didnt expect him to suddenly turn into Mr. Since my mother died, this is the first time she had attended one of our family gatherings. I have a sister who is 20 years older and she told him it was all too soon and he should consider everyone elses feelings but he said he was entitled and really proved he could not have cared less what anyone thought. I really hate that as my Mom worked hard to help my Dad build that home. That is heartbreaking but she is tormenting you. It really helps me try and understand my situation. I really dont know how he can do anything more hurtful at this point. But thats the issue here for me, recognition that we still need time and space, and respect and sensitivity to having her in our lives so soon after loosing our Mother. The next morning i was woken up with her SCREAMING that she has NO privacy in this house. Your letter reminded me of something On my final fitting for my wedding dress she said Youre not getting married in that dress are you with those spots on your back? How kind to give my confidence such a boost! I rarely see him these days, even though we live in the same house. I feel like shes disrespectful to my mother for thinking that she can take over the house. If your dating this man is just that going to dinner, catching a movie, and someone to confide in. I know that not all the persons that come into your families are there for a good reason. Some people says thats long enough but i dont feel that way. What am I to do? In the last 6 months I really feel like Ive begun to heal properly and our family unit of just Dad, my brothers and me-the only girl- were settling. Don't help anymore than you feel you must. But turns out that my father wasnt receiving any of my text messages. They found out she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and that she was near the end. Not saying its right, just my perspective. .it wasnt three days after my dad called it quits with this woman, that she was calling him. I feel that it might be easier to accept the situation if she also took our feelings into consideration and explained to us what she is feeling/needing and how the situation changed so drastically within just a few weeks time. Hi, Watching her stop breathing for 10 seconds and all of us thinking she was gone and all of a tsudden take a breath. I dong want to meet her. Do you get what I am trying to say? I did want to address a couple of points. I told him I was ok with it. Where is her income? She wants to do this even before the estate is settled. She shouldn't make any big decisions (my mom kept talking about selling the house and moving, for example, even though she loves it there) until she is settled down and has adjusted to the new normal. He has been spending a lot of time with my aunt my moms sister. I agreed to meet this woman one time just for him. He said he wanted to thank all us kids for all our help with my mom. I live a block away from my parents house and never once has she been by to see me she has to pass my house to get to the highway. Im 14 and my mom passed away a bit over a year ago, we were really close and she meant the world to me, she still does. I feel I have lost my parents and that my mothers life and death have been so disrespected by his need to be with this lady who worked in the dentist office where my parents attended for 17 plus years. The best to all of you. WowI really feel your pain. He invited her in. It started even before she died! My dad said he could come because he would have to bring his girlfriend. It is true that we should think about how our loved ones wanted us to be, because we can pay tribute to them and we can have them in our lives forever. A relatively straightforward residential eviction lawsuit, through trial, can cost upwards of $5,000. Being issued with a guest towel was terrible. Then I checked his texts on my moms phone and all evidence points to them being intimately involved. Funny I said to my husband recently that if someone had said to me that for the amount of money I may inherit I could have not gone through 35 years of trauma I would gladly have given up the cash. A big thanks for all who have shared their situations. Shame on you to the end of time. My mom has been dead for five years. Did you ever think you would be grieving like you are? She doesnt want another master in his life. She asked me and my fianc if we would come stay and help her out. He told my younger sister that he has already grieved for his wife and is ready to move on. Make sure you take care of yourself and grieve how you need to. He realised what kind of person she was quite quickly hence the Whatever you do dont tell her.We were powerless, as we are now. When your spouse is dying slowly, your grief process begins so much earlier then anyone around because you know where things will end and a part of you prays for it to end soon for her and for the selfish reason that caring for a dying spouse drains you in a way that you cant possibly imagine and I already watched a younger brother die from leukemia at the age of 23. Out of my siblings, I was the only one physically involved in the day-to-day care of my mother, so their understanding is limited. I think it really depends on the spouse and family and friends of the deceased. It is very hard for any child to accept the death of his or her father, especially when it was unexpected and everyone was so young. One thing that has changed my perspective over the years is from whom is duty owed. I believe that I am a good, caring person who loves their father and only want the best for them, if they only will give me a chance. My father and I were always close, and now I feel sad, hurt, rejected, angry and guilty. Hell take a day off from her here and there because of our special request. Im an only child so hes all I have besides my husband and my daughter. I am very sensitive to the ACs loss and feelings about the loss of their mother. I sent a letter apologizing for my part in the argument and for hurting her feelings in the past, and Ive tried calling just to talk. Who are all about my age. I was shocked at his behavior. Shortly after that, he asked us if we would have our children call her grandma. It sucked having to hear every once in while about the court problem. You're a daughter, which means that your life was meant to go on without him. I have to place myself in the the shoes of a girlfriend and ask myself, would I lack class, respect or decency by tearing a family apart by my presence in the picture? If he ever needs me Ill be there, but for now..I want him to be happy, however, I dont think he is. The sooner the better. The first. After the services concluded, I assumed that my role was to be a constant source of funa natural assumption for a 13-year-old. Up to protect her passing. But he just gave this woman a $2000 diamond ring and took her to see his sister (who just lost her husband about 6 weeks ago to a heart attack.). -The feeling that my role in my family has changed. These are all red flags for me. Which I am sure hurts him but I am hurting too. We all are just about as happy as we make our mind up to be. It is not easy for women to find a good man, and to be honest it is not easy for a man to find a good woman. to get him to see that he is trying to shut down his grieving process because it hurts too much. I'm 24 and the youngest of two daughters; we both live away from home but within a 10 minute drive. she spent nights with him and then he would go to church and act goody goody and finally he married the woman after a year. I am heart broken, and I want nothing to do with my father. I'm just saying it is possible to have that high of a bill. Nice. Its driving me crazy. That seems ridiculously expensive. However, his wife continues to feel I havent accepted her into the family and that I am disrespectful towards her. If you are willing to sacrifice your life for your family and let your husband be the breadwinner, be absolutely certain that if their breadwinning capacity is taken away through disability or death, that you are still taken care of through proper insurance. My mom died of cancer April 2013 and then this month, July 2014, my dad got a lady friend. Suddenly dad was cramming her down my throat even pawning her off on me when he was tired of listening to her but I could not stand being with her and as time went on it became really obvious that I didnt want anything to do with her. I hope that when the end comes I can finally move on. My Mom was coherent and had a her faculties to the end. Thank God he finally saw through her manipulation before it was too late. She reciprocated the invitation through my Dad a week or so later to spend an evening out .but I declined this time. Finally, we had a 3 hour discussion where I was able to say how I felt about everything for the past 8 years. I live you but I don't live this entitled attitude. This is my Dads oldest brother and his wife. And mind you im her only niece from my mom.She had a spots car she lost. Why treat your living parent and new partner like dirt? Yes, if your parent is making irrational decisions out of grief, senility, age, etc., you need to step in. My husband and I have two beautiful and healthy adult daughters. I tried to talk to Dad about how upsetting it was and he accused me of wanting him to be alone forever. My dad and his girlfriend kinda wait for my granny to die, then he moves her right in after making me get rid of my dog who then also dies in his new home suddenly. Blessings. I cannot advise you to cut the ties. First of all, I told him he wasn't allowed to spend much time alone for the first two weeks or so. Love does not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth. So I am basically stuck in this seething state of anger and resentment while also trying to deal with the grief of losing my mother. My dad is now over 70 and this woman lives 4 hrs away. I sometimes try to step back and look at both sides. He just doesnt mention this womans name to us anymore. I wondered how he would ever be able to cope without my mom. It seems to me that the almost universal theme of these comments are how hard it is when other people make choices we dont have control over. My Mother passed away Nov 2010 one month after passing my father emailed his girls and said he has meet a lady friend and would keep us posted..We at that time had been okay with it, at the same time upset we all new he couldnt be by him self he and my mother had been married 49 yearsAnyways on with the story Mother passed Nov 2010, lady friend moved into my parents home Jan 2011, engaged Oct 2011 and Married Aug 2012..How fast is that?? With all due respect i have lost both my mama and daddy and i do understand where most yall are coming from, but hear some very selfish comments. Every person mourns in different ways, intensity and time. Looking for novel in all the wrong places? above their children, and (2) aggressively reprimand the children for being selfish. I know it is selfish of me to feel this way and my dad deserves to be happy. It would have been nice to have really gotten closer to Dad but that is simply not to be, It takes two people to want a relationship to work. He was told that she was and remarked that her husband object to her visiting another man-hes almost 88! I feel I did everything I could to salvage our relationship but he did not care and was not interested in having me or my family, his granddaughters in his life anymore. The one who lives in another state rarely calls Ellen and apparently she doesnt call him much either. I was married for 24 years, had a familly and it began to grow. They visit for birthdays and events. For. Loves his convertible and said to my sister that she wanted to take it to go see her daughter Ahh, can you imagine. If you are in college i recommend taking a semester off and finding a way to spend every waking minute with other people. He implied he has begun a relationship with her. What if the resentment comes from the girlfriend? Ive studied alcoholism a lot, and for those of you stricken by our societies version of it, please understand it really is a disease and NOT a choice. Ellen never cooks and we are never invited over to eat. Our loved ones leave us and we are broken and have to pick up the pieces and figure out how to have family dinners with that empty place at the table. Does your mother want and/or need you to move in? My Mom and Dad befriended a lot of people in the neighborhood and attending every event and were really enjoying it. He now expects me, his daughter to participate in holidays there. I would also suggest trying to help your mother get through the day with daily chores. This relationship went off full steam ahead and had to tell us he was in a relationship on my mothers two month anniversary. And i was 12 years. My Dad went on a date with a mutual friend of theirs within one month, which I was astounded by. I believed up until 3 years ago that if my father had his time again he had learned lessons and would not behave the same way. (I understand that there are some exceptions and sometimes this will be impossible to accomplish) Finding happiness, it is a choice. My Mom was known for wearing rings, and instead of asking my sister an I and his grand daughters and great granddaughters about them. I lost my mother unexpectedly over six years ago, when I was 17. NTA. My sister does not like her because she thinks they were going together before my Mom even died, or soon after and kept it a secret. She would do something appalling and be banned from my sister or my home. Help with dinner, do the dishes, offer to do her laundry. Maybe some of the older folks here could offer a little wisdom. But I feel myself being divided from my dad and a slap in the face to my Mom if there is something going on. I pushed him a little to spend more time with his family, his siblings and children from a previous marriage, and now he spends nearly every weekend with them. I cannot stress how thoroughly unpleasant she is and my Dad has increasingly become. She shook out her hand and said her name but there was no introduction on his part like, This is my daughter and this is my friend/co-worker/date/girlfriend etc. So I sat there the whole concert wondering who the heck this woman is. Oh honey, there's no such thing as grieving too much or too little. He just wasnt the kind of person who could sit around moping and be sad. They can not commit 100% to you. WebAfter their fathers death, four siblings come together and stay with their mother for a week. Within the year, my Dad was dating and in a serious relationship. It is not easy for women to find a good man, and to be honest it is not easy for a man to find a good woman. Ive sought counsel elsewhere, in real life and on the internet, and it always amounts to a guilt trip: How dare I try to deprive my father of happiness? For you need to keep in honor her passing. But to do it by never seeing/visiting your only daughter and grandchild? She unplugged her phone because my calling once a day while my father was sick was stressing her out. No one is arguing that at all. We're looking forward to. Sorry, again, for the long post theres always a lot for me to get of my chest when it comes to my dad. I have not met this woman, nor do I want to. My first thought was WTF but once a selfish person always a selfish person. Maybe there is a positive side that we havent encountered yet Im still waiting. for all you women dating widowed men, take note that the adult children (esp daughters?) I cant tell my dad how I feel as I dont want to upset him. While he will be happy that he's dating. explain to your friends you wont be going out as much because you want to be with your family but do not lose your friends because of this they worry for you as well! It was a shock!! They do not ask themselves Am I willing to sacrifice the love and trust of my family (by refusing to wait and consider their feelings) for the buzz I am getting from this stranger I barely know and may not end up with? I understand him wanting to sell the house because mom died in itbut to move so far away! They talk on the phone often and I believe he gave her a really nice Christmas gift! There are no words to describe the pain and emptiness I feel deep in the very pit of my being. I was very calm until he left, then i cried for hours! It doesn't matter who your people are, just make sure you have them and you let them in. Let me preface that by stating Im an only child and he is really the only family I have, outside of my husabnd and kids. I would appreciate some validation from him he wants to know what I am feeling, but isnt necessarily up for doing anything that would change a decision he has already made. He had actually showed some sort of care for her. It really does feel like you lose your father once he starts dating again. My father was communicating within days or weeks with this woman. Everyone deals with death differently; my family is a prime example. You have every right to have your own place! January came and I continued to visit my mother. again Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. NTA. Perhaps just go out with death and this will never an unhappy outcome. It went on for a bit. I went next. the son (ex) in law has gone thru all my daughters life insurance money which should have been saved for the child (I think) . I have tried to explain to him how I feel and I think he just gets upset and really doesnt understand. I can offer no help but please think before you act. The next time I saw her was 2 weeks later in the hospital. I mean it is not all about what you want. Murdaughs wife, Maggie, and son, Paul, were found fatally shot on the familys Islandton property on June 7, 2021. We are not open about things at all, but a feeling is not always easy to hide. My mom had known for a while but didnt want me to find out because she wanted me to finish school. All I can say is I am so glad that I came across this website. I could really use some good advice on how to deal with all this. Sonia- I hope you find this response. She's also very young and has plenty of time to work. The loss is still immensely painful. I ended up moving it from our house to my brothers because I just could not imagine her here. She was an active, vibrant 72 year old woman who had lots of plans for the future. In my personal situation, my dad announced to me within weeks that he wanted to have an intimate relationship with an old friend of theirs. Incidentally, upon hearing I had taken the pills my father said two things. We took a week to plan for the funeral, etc. Maybe Im being childish and selfish but a dying wish for a wife of 42 years should be honored dont you think? When she gets upset, she doesn't eat, and really the only reason she cooked was for my dad and us. so far from my realm of understanding or reference. . Youre so young to be going through so much pain dont give up on working through this though. Try going to the movies, the shooting range, yoga, a football game, the aquarium, or some other activity that she loves. I thought this was ok since he was alone and needed someone to talk to so he wouldnt be out of his mind. He didnt tell me anything that he was doing or who he was with. 11 days after her diagnosis, she passed away peacefully in her sleep. I am so thankful to be in this place right now, because the earlier one was hell. I cant stop thinking about it. If we do not agree with the decision he has made then he is just going to cut us out completely. Then I remember my mom saying the second wife always gets treated better after several of her friends husbands remarried after losing their spouse. Please someone tell me if Im wrong. Now he has found a lady friend, a very nice woman his age and of the catholic faith like him. My Dad and I have never been close but Mom wanted us to mend the rift and after her death I stayed with Dad and helped with as much as I could before going back to my family. I was born on Fathers Day, how can you forget completely. This is why is pains me to see my mother move on so soon 5 months later. I told her wed probably be gone by then and for 1000 a month Id rather pay into my own living space not just a small room.. but she stated I should want to stay and help my mom. I wasnt actively looking for anyone but the opportunity presented itself thru my church. I LOST MY MUM 2 YEARS AGO,I HAVE EIGHT BROTHERS ,I AM THE ONLY DAUGHTER,I WAS VERY CLOSE AS WE HAD MOVED 40YEARS AGO FROM HER FAMILY,SO NEVER WAS CLOSE TO ANY OTHER WOMEN. He is imposing her on us and is threatening ushe says we have everything to lose (he is the one with two daughters and three grand-children!). My mother died in Aug. 2006 and my Dad just started dating a women a month ago. Dont be so hard on yourself! Always remember, what you give out is what you get back! He said, Absolutely not. My fathers brother saw right through her from day one, and to this day cant fake his disdain for her. Other folk have mentioned sexual details being mentioned and we had that also. Your father says talking with women online makes him feel better. It makes sense that I was looking for my mail, and stumbled upon an awkward pairing of items: leopard print undies, and bibles.. She is apparently very religious, and my dad is now, too.. in fact, hes so religious that he doesnt mind going to a church where they dont even speak english they speak Vietnamese. Alex's oldest son, 26-year-old Buster, was not killed alongside his mother and younger brother, and the Netflix docuseries doesn't explain where he was when his loved Ironic that what motivated me to try to forgive was the fact I did not want him to be alone. I know she doesnt even know what I am going through, as she was never even a mom.. How can she ever begin to be that for me.. Is it even on her radar?